The Life of a Chronically Ill, Yet Chronically Chill Gamer

So folks, my last post was on 2018 and years have passed without a single update. It's time to write a story about how my life turnt upside down (literally and gradually) since then. 

So around 2016-2018, my health began to decline and I began experiencing pain & fatigue in a way I've never experienced before. Whether this was linked to a range of negative things that occurred in my life at this time I am unsure of. Everything seems to be a blur and there are many things I don't remember very well due to memory issues. Hell...when I read through my blog I didn't even remember writing half of the posts featured! 

This kickstarted a long path to finding out "what was wrong with me" because seriously, what WAS actually going on and why was I suffering? Taking high dosages of pain medication began to become the "norm" and feeling like I hadn't slept for 24 hours crept up on me in no time. Holding down a job & dealing with these mystery symptoms was difficult; and this soon then affected my hobbies. Months and months of being in contact with my GP, having countless appointments and trying to piece together the puzzle consumed my mind. I needed answers, even if it would take years to get them. 

August 2019 I was diagnosed with chronic pelvic pain & Endometriosis after having a laparoscopy; one of the more effective methods of finding it.

While having part of an answer was reassuring to have; there was far more that didn't exactly make any sense. The symptoms mimic those of other conditions and I still needed an answer as to why my body hurt after doing basic everyday activities. It literally made no sense. Absolutely none at all. Rewind to a few years later and behold after more GP appointments, blood tests etc. to find out why I essentially felt like I had been thrown against a wall week after week, it turns out I officially have Fibromyalgia.

Since then I've learned to accept that I would have to deal with chronic fatigue & chronic pain day in and day out. I also take ALOT of medication to keep things balanced, keep the pain at bay and live a relatively normal life to some degree. Unfortunately my health declines every few years or so. I was working full-time and now I work part-time because realistically; it is incredibly difficult to be employed and deal with it all. 

However working improves my mental health; even if my physical health takes a direct hit as a result.

Any hopes I had for being in a professional creative industry have been erased from my mind as it wouldn't be fair to deal with the level of expectation required in such a field; and it is best that I take care of myself while I can. For as long as I can. 

So...let's talk about gaming and how accessibility became a key focus in my life. 

Gaming hurts. 

Literally-it hurts...and I honestly wish it didn't. 

If I use a controller for too long; my wrists and arms will become sore. 

If I remain seated for too long; my entire body seizes up and aches. 

If I focus on a screen for too long; I become incredibly drained. 

To me it is utterly ridiculous that this happens now; however that is what is to be expected and I've become used to expecting I will suffer as a consequence. 

So I've learned how to become more comfortable while gaming these days; in my own home at least. If I game at conventions, retro gaming events etc.; this is a problem that I'm willing to endure as I have no control over any of it. Some codeine and a couple of energy drinks seem to be the temporary cure for if I am to enjoy a day like that I have discovered. 

At home I prefer to play video games that allow me to lay down or at least sit cross legged with an electric heated blanket, cushion or pad. I have found that my latest Christmas present, which is a delightfully cozy & heated faux fur blanket that becomes toasty in seconds and creates the finest sensation of being in a warm burrito. 

Fortunately the wrist pain issues are an occasional occurrence, so when I feel this will become a problem, I wear adjustable wrist support wraps which surprisingly work very well. The movement required when using my thumbs for instance on a PlayStation 5 controller can be too much repetitiveness. 

I mention this specific controller because in my mind this is heavier to hold than a PlayStation 4 controller and I have realised the weight of it does have an impact. So I try not to hold the controller up and have it balanced on my laptop to prevent the strain of constant analogue stick usage. This occurs when I play my Nintendo Switch as well. 

Again, the weight of the console itself to me feels heavy and the width of it while holding it entirely can hurt my hands, which happens often when I play Splatoon 3. I play with stick controls as using motion controls affects my eyesight and it makes me feel rather ill. I've been a stick since Splatoon 2 and I'm fine with that. 

I am a regular player of a indie game called Sky: Children of the Light which fortunately I can access via my iPad. Handheld devices are a favourite of mine due to how accessible they can be. However guess what can be an issue? Tada! The weight of the device itself. Tablets can overall be heavy. I have a funky cushion with a little side pocket that is made to make holding a tablet far more comfortable, but I have a terrible habit of not using it to my advantage and I will just place the iPad on my lap or on the side of the sofa. I'm a touchscreen player which is a preference I have had since I began playing the game in June 2020 and believe it or not, navigating around in Sky can hurt my hands-how predictable! But that is perfectly fine. 

So in summary I can't win at all regarding accessibility and the use of a controller, device weight and touchscreen mechanics; however I refuse to let any of this prevent me from doing what I love. Unless the fatigue hits and then we seriously have a problem. 

Pain & fatigue flare ups are a frequent problem for me and when that happens, the last thing I want to do is do anything other than sleep. The conditions I have create a whole new level of exhaustion that I wouldn't wish on anyone and to put it politely; it feels like having the flu aches while pulling an all nighter. Sometimes I get electric tingly shocks through my body that is one of the strangest sensations ever and when a heat source touches my skin, I can literally feel my body pulse from being soothed by the warmth. 

As I write this I'm actually quite fatigued. Depending on how my day goes, this affects everything and I can't win honestly. This morning was rather stressful, so this has had a knock on effect. Around 6 codeine tablets later since and plenty of caffeine, I can tolerate feeling this way a little better. Just a bit. Though due to walking a lot in the last few days, the level of activity I have done has worsened how I feel overall. 

It's incredibly frustrating yet...this is my life now.